September 22, 2015

White Women's Crack & Pumpkin Everything!

I recently watched - and re watched - and then re watched AGAIN, a comedy special by Iliza Schlezinger.  Had no idea who she was before recently. She apparently won Last Comic Standing, aka a show I'd never heard of until I saw her special and read her bio.  And then BAMM - there was the show on TV this summer.

Still didn't watch it.

Back to my binge watching.  She is freaking hysterical.  I mean, she's really quite good, and I think women in general, perhaps even better, women in their 20s, 30s and 40s, who are sucking up everything to live and work and financially survive in Washington DC, might appreciate her the most.

Long story short, she does a fabulous stint about Fall, and "pumpkin everything", and then a stint about certain women's obsession with fall and Pinterest. She calls Pinterest "crack for white women".

First of all, pumpkin everything.  I laughed but I didn't really think about it again until I found myself in Trader Joes last week.  BUYING PUMPKIN EVERYTHING.  You'd think I had never seen pumpkin bread mix or eaten a pie.  I bought bread mix, and pumpkin cornbread mix, and pumpkin caramels, and pumpkin cookies, and pumpkin in a can, and pumpkin cream cheese.  I got home and said "What the Fuck?" I really did.  But when I was in the zone, all I could see, smell, think about and taste was PUMPKIN EVERYTHING.

Moving on, I did not have a Pinterest account, had no interest in one until I saw her special, and so I went online and signed up.


I have smoked pot one time in my life.  It made me have a vision of standing on the edges of a rowboat trying not to fall in to the boat and break the sugar Easter egg which was shining bright in the middle. I then threw up all over the boyfriend who smoked with me, and I have never tried any sort of illegal drug again.  I don't even drink anymore.  That may be more because I find it boring and my metabolism ain't what it used to be, but I digress.  I'm clean, and I now work to enforce laws against those of you druggies who break them.

Yeah, I'm dull.  Whatever.

The point is, I've never done crack.  So her comment about crack for white women made me chuckle but I didn't really understand it.  Until I signed up. And found that I could look at pictures FOR HOURS ON END of boots, and low carb beef recipes, and log cabin deco, and maps, and shoes, and cupcakes and wedding dresses.

I get it Iliza. And damn you for TELLING ME ABOUT THIS!!!!!

It is fall.  I should be outside making wreathes out of the carcasses of the leaves (as you say).  I should be getting pumpkin lattes and smelling pumpkin spice and taking my boyfriend apple picking.  BUT NO.  I laugh at Pinterest Fails, and try out hamburger and cabbage recipes, and buy boots I DO NOT NEED AND WHICH MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A TOTTERING IDIOT.


Iliza - maybe next time you can do a special about - oh, I don't know - ANYTHING ELSE!!!

Happy Fall 2015, peeps.

July 31, 2015

CPT's Oops

So I have been friends with CPT for about 17 years now.  Love him to pieces.  Was in his wedding party.  He's my head instructor at my karate school.  Good man, good father, good federal employee.

Last night we had a potential issue come up at our school, and as I was working late I couldn't call him back about it until this morning.  Our lives are busy - so at 6:00am, there we were - on the phone while his daughter was trying to eat breakfast and he and his wife were scrambling to leave,  talking about this issue.  At the end, problem acknowledged, have a good day, talk to you later.

On the side, he's attempting to sell some weapons left over in an estate, and last week had emailed both myself and my dad, who was potentially interested in one.  My dad asked for more info, including photos which weren't available at the time.  Apparently, CPT got some though, and so emailed both my dad and myself this morning.

Here's the rub.

In an email TO MY FATHER - MY STILL LARGE, STILL IMPOSING, STILL VERY TRADITIONAL AND CONSERVATIVE PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL HALL OF FAME FATHER, he writes "thanks for making my breakfast so nice today."  And then added a smiley face. And THEN he attached the pictures of the gun.

I sit here now, waiting for "the call".  You know the one  - the one my father is going to make asking me why my MARRIED friend is intimating that I made his beginning of the day so lovely and fabulous.  Because trust me - he won't look at the gun photos, he will READ the email...

and call me.


The only thing that made me happy about any of this, is that when I typed back to CPT and told him thanks for intimating in an email to my dad that we'd had sex, he snoked his coffee all over his desk.  Says he didn't mean that.  I told him to read it again.


It's the small things, folks.  Gotta take happiness where you can find it.  I hope his desk blotter is a mess.  Serves him right.

In the meantime...... I wait.......  What's worse? My dad may torture me, and wait until I see him AND my mother, at the Hall of Fame events in Canton, OH next week.  In which case I will live in fear until he asks - and he's been known to ask about embarrassing stuff IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE!!!!!!


June 4, 2015

Crap, Am I Really That Old???

My sister called me today.  My niece had "80s" day at school.  She sent me a picture, and there she was, dressed in Dolphin shorts, with her hair in a scrunchy and her bangs feathered.

Note the key words there, that in my personal vocabulary no longer get used but that evoke a very fresh and vivid - and IMMEDIATE - memory of high school in the late 80s out in Arizona.

When I thought, quite frankly, that I was pretty damn cool.




Any of you of a certain age know exactly what those words mean. In fact, you are probably picturing yourself wearing Dolphins, or a scrunchy, or a feathered look.  And you looked GOOD, right? I mean, were the 80s really that long ago????

I'm so sad.

My niece texted me (yeah, that should be the giveaway; I was still rotary dialing at her age, and she has an IPhone 6 and is texting me) and said "Aunt Phee, we did 80s day today.  My teacher said to ask our parents, b/c the 80s are a part of HISTORY and people from that era are old."


That 'era'?  Are you freaking kidding me?

I understand now the look of disbelief when I grabbed my dad's clothes from the 60s and early 70s and gleefully paraded around stating that we were having 60s day at school.

Dad - I'm so very sorry!  I didn't know!  I DIDN'T KNOW!!!!!!

I am officially old.