June 4, 2015

Crap, Am I Really That Old???

My sister called me today.  My niece had "80s" day at school.  She sent me a picture, and there she was, dressed in Dolphin shorts, with her hair in a scrunchy and her bangs feathered.

Note the key words there, that in my personal vocabulary no longer get used but that evoke a very fresh and vivid - and IMMEDIATE - memory of high school in the late 80s out in Arizona.

When I thought, quite frankly, that I was pretty damn cool.




Any of you of a certain age know exactly what those words mean. In fact, you are probably picturing yourself wearing Dolphins, or a scrunchy, or a feathered look.  And you looked GOOD, right? I mean, were the 80s really that long ago????

I'm so sad.

My niece texted me (yeah, that should be the giveaway; I was still rotary dialing at her age, and she has an IPhone 6 and is texting me) and said "Aunt Phee, we did 80s day today.  My teacher said to ask our parents, b/c the 80s are a part of HISTORY and people from that era are old."


That 'era'?  Are you freaking kidding me?

I understand now the look of disbelief when I grabbed my dad's clothes from the 60s and early 70s and gleefully paraded around stating that we were having 60s day at school.

Dad - I'm so very sorry!  I didn't know!  I DIDN'T KNOW!!!!!!

I am officially old.

June 2, 2015

Carbs and Cannons

It's been a trying couple of weeks.  Friends in Texas have been hit by the floods.  My aunt is struggling with a chronic illness.  Someone drove over the turtle that a few weeks ago I had saved by helping him cross the street he was in the middle of. They could have picked him up and moved him to the grass near the pond, he wasn't small, but NO!  It was apparently more fun to just squish him.  My neighbor who I love dearly and who has become my friend, announced she'd been foreclosed on and she was moving.  And a new feral cat showed up - a black one, who is thin and sick and who needs help, but try as I might, I haven't been able to find him again, and that makes me so sad.

Just stupid SHIT everywhere, and the world is sort of breaking my heart a little.

Oh, and did I mention that my Dr. has put me on a no-to-low carb program?  Am I diabetic? Nope.  Is my blood pressure too high?  Nope.  Are my triglycerides and all those other things out of whack?  Nope.  But he's worried that I MIGHT go in that direction if we don't act now.  Might? The world is full of mights, doc.  Sheesh.  I've known this Dr for 23 years; he is a friend, he is actually someone I trust, and he's a Black Belt too - and has been my biggest fan in terms of watching me for years train and go through the testing process.  So he's not easy to say no to, or ignore.

Note to readers: do NOT become friends with your Dr b/c then you're really screwed if he says "you can stand to lose some weight and get healthy and here's what you are GOING to do (aka, you have no choice or you will DIE DIE DIE!!!!)


I made it through May.  Damn it all, but I made it.  No bread was easy - other than an occasional bagel, I have never really eaten bread.  No rice? Hooray - I hate the stuff.  No corn or potatoes or spreadable dairy or fruit other than apples and oranges?  Weird, but sure, OK.  No soda or alcohol? Already there friends - no sweat.  NO TORTILLAS?  OK, much harder. No pasta?  Ouch.  Fine.  Sucks, but fine.  Turkey bacon and eggs for breakfast EVERY day???  For someone who has considered her latte breakfast for 20 years now, that has been a change, but I've done it.  Honestly the hardest part was my body converting and missing sugar in forms of lattes, or sugar in my tea, or crackers and tapenade.  Or licorice.  After week 3, and 9 pounds, I was convinced maybe I was doing something 'better' for myself; a lifestyle change for the better.  And I wasn't quite as cranky.

But all these negative things going on, and HUMIDITY to boot?  I'm just - well, I wish I had a cannon.  Of all things I watched "Somebody's Gotta Do It" with Mike Rowe on CNN last week. I hate CNN, but I love Mike Rowe. Huge fan of his previous show Dirty Jobs.  Anyway, he was in Baltimore and they were showing cannons and it made me think - I need one of those.  I really do. I would set that fucker off and aim it at the guy who squished Mr. Turtle, or the people who have ignored the black cat, or the folks at work who are so RUDE and ENTITLED even though they are a decade younger than me (your parents should be ashamed).  I would light up bad drivers, and anyone my neighbor wanted.  So yeah, foreclosure is something that could be considered her own fault, but I'm still mad that she's leaving.  11 years and she is the only other owner still around that I like. Everyone else is a renter with bad manners and bad parking skills.


And no one would mess with me, b/c damn it all, I WOULD HAVE A MOTHER FUCKING CANNON!

Maybe I need a tortilla? Would I be less cranky if I ate a tortilla?  I could go outside in this LOVELY 70 degree weather, even in the rain, and just sit by Mr. Turtle's pond and munch on carbs and maybe life wouldn't seem quite so....


May 7, 2015

The Real Reason

All reports of my demise are erroneous.

Where have I been for 4 months?  Well let me tell you:

1) I've been training.  Hard.  Six days a week, doing things I did not like doing.

2) I did all that so I could FINALLY pass my 4th degree black belt test.  And I did pass.  Thank God.  Because I'm old, and these were a tough 3 years, and I miss drinking beer.  Hell, I miss drinking anything OTHER than water.

3) I've had pneumonia.  A bad case of it.  It is pretty bad shit. I do not recommend it to anyone. Ever.

So there you go.  Excuses.

So do you now want to the real reason I've been gone?

I forgot my password.

And then my STUPID AGENCY put a block on just about every website on the planet.

And then I still couldn't remember my password.

Hey - I may finally have the 4th degree Black Belt, but I never said I was exactly BRIGHT.......

No worries, I obviously FOUND it again, and so will try to get back to a more regular form of bitching about stuff.  Like Michael and Sons and their shitty level of customer service, and my cat who hides things under the stove, and my neighbor who fell asleep smoking pot and started a fire, and my boss the Troll who is still an idiot and still taking up space at work, and TRONS (tourist + moron = TRON) who have once again invaded my beloved city.....

Talk soon!