April 26, 2010

I Snoked on a First Date

I went on my first "weekend away" date with a new guy this past weekend, and so of course, typical first-date type behavior was supposed to apply.  I knew what was going to happen and so did he, but that doesn't mean I wasn't going to try my best for polite and lady-like behavior.  I mean, I had to at least pretend, right?

Leave it to some idiot to ruin that for me.  I will now forever be known as "the girl who snoked all over the picnic lunch."  Nice.

Let me set it up - so there we are, day 2 (after a quite successful day 1, I might add) and we decide to rent a boat and go out on the lake and share a picnic lunch.  Nice weather, great lake, a fabulous lunch and a perfect bottle of wine.  I'm psyched.  We get all loaded up and paddle our way out to the west side of the lake, which falls into shadow the quickest and we felt, offered the most privacy.  On the lake it did, but the lake has a shoreline and something I didn't know about this crazy resort is that for the uncoordinated and cardiovascularly challenged, instead of hiking around the damn thing, you can apparently rent a segway with studded tires and 4-wheel your ass around on the slopes.  Seriously, people, could we BE a bigger advertisement for the out-of-shape nation we've become? Ugh.

Sadly, there were quite a few of the lazy and sluggish who decided that day that this was the perfect outdoor outing, and as my date and I rested in our boat, drinking our wine and talking about life, one of them misfired the segway, fell OFF the path and careened down the slope directly into the lake.  It did not help that this poor soul was of the larger variety and in my personal opinion, wasn't suited to be on a segway in the first place. Due to his unfortunate abundance of girth, when he landed in the water, the weight displacement caused the segway to literally stop and him to fold over the front of it, directly into the water in an arch of perfect belly-flop-ness.  The resulting splash was a thing of beauty.  I gave it a 10, hands down.  I felt like clapping and shouting "bravo".....

Right about now, you're thinking "you are a mean person Phee, b/c you are laughing at this man's unfortunate tumble into the lake."  Nah, not really.  I was actually worried for a moment, until his wife also decided that he might be in serious danger and decided to follow him.  Literally.  She did not get off the segway, she just drove that sucker straight down the hill into the lake, mindlessly ignoring the cries of the now totally freaked-out segway guide behind her who was yelling "for the love of Christ Almightly, what the F*** are you doing? STOP NOW!"  Nope, "Elaine" as we later came to learn was her name, just barreled straight ahead and met the same fate that her husband did.  Her entrance was slightly less exotic because she hit a tree stump, which forced the segway to careen off to the right, and as she fell off, she then sort of rolled into the lake.  Slowly.  It was a slow-motion moment from hell.

By this point, I am no longer worried. I am thinking we're perhaps on candid camera and these are stunt people.  No one is this ridiculous and uncoordinated, are they?  But nope, I was again wrong.  Because it was at this point that the guide decided to get off his segway and try to walk down to the lake's edge to haul these yo hos back up onto land.  He parked his segway first, or so he thought!  He was halfway down the hill when it started to roll - one of the other riders screamed, the guide turned around and as he did, he slipped and fell and then HE rolled down the rest of the way into the water.

Ok, so now, I'm watching in horrified amazement and am midway through a gulp of wine, and I started laughing so hard I snoked it back up through my nose and onto the plates of chocolate covered strawberries.  My date looked disgusted and of course, I found this evening more amusing so laughed harder.  I then started choking because I was laughing so hard.....  people on the shore were screaming, I was laughing, my picnic was ruined and my date didn't know which was more terrifying and disturbing - the idiots on segways or his oh-so-suddenly-unladylike date who had the gall to push wine back up through her nose onto his dessert.

Elaine (her husband was yelling at her quite loudly as they all scampered up onto the shoreline so we all learned her name), her hubby and the guide all made it back to safety, and I bought another round of strawberries and apologized, begging for forgiveness later on that night. 

All was forgiven - I think. I'm currently waiting to see if I get a "2nd" weekend away date or not......  If it doesn't happen, trust me, the show was well worth it.


Cyndy said...

That was absolutely hilarious! And a perfect opportunity to find out whether or not your date has a good sense of humor. Hopefully he does, because that was funny, snoking and all.

bozoette said...

Oh my God, that was priceless! If he doesn't ask you out again, he's a loser.

FoggyDew said...

Any man who couldn't laugh at a spectacle like that doesn't deserve a second weekend away. I'm surprised you didn't fall out of the boat laughing.