This week, I submit copies of letters sharing thoughts I really want to send as a result of my Presidents Day Weekend. I wish I could send them, I really do. However, if I did, I'd technically be no brighter or better than the losers I'm bitching about. So alas, I'm just pasting it all here for you guys to read. Lucky you. I feel better already.
Dear Verizon FIOS:
I beat you. Yeah, that's right suckers. Despite your EVERY attempt over the last 3 months to beat me down with your unbelievably crappy customer service (now THERE's a misnomer), your shoddy equipment, and the just out-of-this-world ineptitude of your managers whom I spent way too much time talking to attempting to explain why the run-of-the-mill stuff your techs had me do 20 times, EACH time I called, was NOT working, I figured it out. By myself. I got it all working again. Yeah - that's right dipshits. My wireless router works, no thanks to you guys who said "plug the white cord into that plug and the yellow cord into; wait, maybe it's the other way around." Whatever losers. I got it working again, WITHOUT your help. Oh yeah -and guess what? TIVO works again too. AS does FIOS on Demand. And the real kicker? Go figure, asswipes, my modem box was NOT broken or damaged, and I got it all moving again without having to replace it, or the wireless adapter which you were sooooo certain was the cause, and which cost $63 a piece. Both times you told me to buy it. Yeah, don't get too excited. I got wise to your crap, and never bought a new one at all. Old one works fine, as does the original router I had. I did, however, keep the three separate routers you sent me FedEx instead of just sending a tech to my house, and I sold them - all 3 of them - to my neighbors. I hate my neighbors, b/c they throw plates at each other and scream in Chinese and they shovel their snow all over my cleared off parking space. So I sold them a raft of shit about how great Verizon was and gave them your customer service number. They seemed excited to call, and their TV - from what I saw - is from circa 1960. Love it. Good luck with that, you jackasses. Suck it.
Dear Neighbors Who Still Throw Plates at Each Other:
Yep, I lied, and sold you a bill of goods. Do I care? No. You don't speak enough English to come back and yell at me about it. So good luck with your 3 wireless routers that you paid cash for (Router sale? What router sale?) and oh yeah, good luck with Verizon FIOS Customer Service. I figure the pain and suffering you will go through trying to get your plate throwing asses hooked up to this stupid system is karmic retribution.
Dear Home Depot:
I admire the people of Fairfax who revolted against your employees at 7:30pm this past Saturday night. You had one check-out open and none of the self-service kiosks open. One wonders. It's a Saturday night in Fairfax, you weenies. Land of suburbia. Of COURSE people are at a Home Depot on a Saturday night buying things like light bulbs and paint, and in this crazy-ass town, leftover snow shovels and ice-melt, b/c don't forget "the big one" was coming on Monday night. Whatever. You all deserved the plant that the guy threw at your 3 employees standing by the door laughing. Whaaa, too bad, so sad, if you got dirt in your hair. Have you not been watching the news? The idiots of this country are revolting over the smallest thing, usually without ANY clue as to what the real situation is. So if they are stuck in suburbia and stuck in a Home Depot within that suburbia, did you really think you could stick them in one huge, long line with one check out dude, who apparently was NEW and had no idea how to void stuff, and they wouldn't foam at the mouth and demand blood? Duh, losers.
Dear Snow Removal Contracting Company That My Stupid HOA Hired:
Did you really think that when you plowed up the speed bump this morning and then dumped the remains into the middle of the exit area by the back gate, that the pyschos who live on the property and were lined up behind you waiting to exit wouldn't freak out and demand your head on a spike in the middle of the parking lot? Um, they watched you do it! I mean, there were 6 cars lined up, idiots. Kind of hard to miss. I don't really care about the speed bumps, per se. They were stupid. I do care, however, that you flipped off the nice 80+ year old who stopped to yell at you. Way to go losers - yell at Grandma. Not exactly a way to endear yourself to the rest of us. So we called. Apparently in numbers. When I finally got past the busy signal, I was number 7 of the morning. I'd say it's safe to say you're out of a job, and your asses WILL be fixing the speed bumps, which makes me laugh, b/c again - they are lame to begin with. But I'll get a kick out of watching you all out there fixing them. And be forewarned: if you dare yell at grandma again, I'll ninja bitch-slap your ass, I promise you I will.
I mean, let us remember - I live in suburbia, I requent Home Depots at 7:30pm on Saturday nights, which automatically should alert you to the fact that I'm on the edge already, and I get excited that I can fix cable by myself.
You do NOT want to fuck with me.