June 28, 2012

Satan is a Kale Leaf

Day 19, no-meat, no-dairy, etc.

Life still bleak.  Not sure why I am doing this.  Lose focus regularly throughout the day and dream of ice cream and Crumbs cupcakes.  I've never even liked ice cream. WTF?

Have started seeing Satan in the leaves of all green lettuce-type products, especially Kale. He leers at me and I can hear him saying "bet you thought you might have lost more weight by now, right?  You dumbass."  F-you, Satan.  Your momma is ugly.  Whatever.

Have learned there is no "easy" vegetarian/vegan food.  Everything takes TIME. Saute this, then blend, then put back in saute pan, add this, add that, transfer to blender again, then back to pan, etc. etc.  I am understanding why the dude who created Hot Pockets is a millionaire.  Do you think he's married? I am willing to put out for a Hot Pocket - really, I am.

Have started waking up at 3am - ravenous.  Never in my life before have I awakened at 3am physically hungry.  Now? I find myself with stomach cramps and I get up and go in to the kitchen.  It is at this point, when I look and realize that on a no-meat, no-dairy regime there is also no such thing as "snack food", that I start to cry and hobble back to bed, alone with my stomach pains.  Fat Man glares at me for waking him up and as soon as my head hits the pillow, determines that because I bothered him, it's payback time.  He will proceed to spend next two hours pawing at my face or better yet, kneading my back, in an attempt to get me up to serve him.  Little shit knows he's getting Turkey Surprise or Seafood Feast - aka, MEAT - and he's happy to rub it in.  I'm starting to resent Fat Man, which terrifies me b/c after all, he is a cat.

Mind close to being officially lost.  I'm talking to and resenting a cat. Holy shit.

In addition, have concluded my breath to be an abomination.  No one has said anything but I take no chances. I can 'taste' it - that weird dry-mouth sensation you get when you're gone through a REALLY hard workout and you're dehydrated?  Yeah, I can taste that in my mouth.  Cotton mouth, is it?  I'd eat cotton at this point. Can't be any worse. On top of this, possibly a delusion, but I think I can taste every last freakin' piece of spinach, tomato, carrot, cucumber, quinoa, almonds, tofu, etc. that I've eaten in said 19 days. 

I have bought stock in Double Mint gum and have terrified local 7-11 cashier by buying out his entire selection, all the while wide-eyed and mumbling about needing to find that eggplant casserole recipe.  I've never had a 24/7 store lock their doors behind me before, but there's a first time for everything I suppose.

Next month when I get to the Dentist, I'm sure I will be chastized for chewing gum when I have a cavity.  Know what?  Bring it on tooth-man. I could give a shit at this point.

Not sure I will make it to Day 20......  light starting to fade.....world getting blurry........

1 comments:

FoggyDew said...

This is getting ... sorry, funny. I can't imagine going through what you're, well, doing to yourself, but I'm sure you'll be the better person for it in the end. Also, I'd stay away from the Harris Teeter in Pentagon City, they have their cheese display right next to the produce. Fair warning.

Good luck, you're three-quarters of the way there. You can do anything for two weeks.